Cave Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
2005
It’s big, it’s black, it’s rock hard, and it’s 22,500 years older than the wheel. Scientists say it’s the world’s oldest discovered dildo to date. Made of siltstone, 28,000 years old, and unearthed in a cave in Germany, scientists knew even before they assembled the 14 fragments it was broken into that it was a sex toy.
“Hey, Joe, what do you think these 14 chunks of black rock could be?”
“Christ, Karen, it’s a 28,000 year old dildo. I’ll be friggin’ darned. Let’s assemble it!”
The erectile implement measures in at about 8 inches long and according to my mathematical equations, scaling up proportionally to match the body size of the average human being in 2005, the sex toy would be approximately the size of a 50-year-old birch tree trunk. Well, maybe just a hair smaller than that. But this, folks, is a uber big discovery. Gigante. And could very well change our entire perception of human history. I know it has mine.
Let’s think for a moment about cavemen and what we knew of their society, scientifically speaking. I-pods had not been invented yet. Every meal came under the category of “finger food.” Women did not vote, much less have laser surgery for hair removal. They used maxi-pads made from the hides of wooly mammoths. They almost never got pedicures. They didn’t know from the South Beach diet. They picked bugs off each other and most likely grunted quite a bit. I’m 80% sure nobody had fake boobs or chin implants. Well, I’m 60% sure about the chin implants.
But just because the women back then were hairy and dirty and had a shit load of e-coli bacteria festering under their fingernails (since anti-bacteria hand gel had not been invented yet), it doesn’t mean that they didn’t have aspirations for the big O. Even cave girls were familiar with the frustration of having to “fake it” for their guys.
Here’s the scenario, dating back at least 28,000 years that too many of us are familiar with even today.
Woman wakes up in the morning, crawls out of the cave, hauls ass over to the gym to do Pilates for an hour, followed by spinning class, followed by showering, shaving, plucking, fussing, and mouthing off for about twenty minutes because her reflection still doesn’t look like an air-brushed version of Heidi Klum (or the ice age equivalent). She goes and spends several hundred bones on designer hides and skins hoping there’s just one outfit in the end that makes her boobs look huge and her butt look small. She frets for a few hours about being unsuccessful and wasting hundreds of bones. She goes home, makes dinner, makes small-talk with husband, or boyfriend, or significant other, gets the little cave kids off to sleep, all of which leads up to that miraculous moment when maybe, just maybe, she scores some sex. Pilates class and hundreds of bones spent seem worthwhile for a few moments.
Sex ensues. Her man has his big O. She pretends to have her big O. Man falls asleep. When he’s snoring rhythmically enough for her to be sure he’s really out, she pulls out the big siltstone device. Three and a half minutes later, she falls asleep, too. Fantastically satisfied and ready to wake up the next morning and do it all again.
This is now documented human history, folks. Post-Neanderthal, I might add. Which leads me to the inevitable following conclusion.
It was the female orgasm that thrust us into the next stage of evolution.
I’m dead sure about this.
I see a tie-in with the Adam and Eve story here. I’m sure my mother would tell me that I wasn’t paying enough attention in Sunday School as a kid for making this statement, but I’m thinking that the way the Bible tells it is a little off. There wasn’t a snake. There was a siltstone dildo. And it was urging Eve to do something, though I don’t think it was to eat an apple. Following this?
So Eve gave in to the temptation, grabbed her new siltstone friend, got to know him really really well, and had an orgasm. The result was that poor Adam was left feeling humiliated and ashamed of himself. He covered up his scorned and inadequate wanger. Then he told Eve to cover up her God-forsaken orgasm-enjoying private parts. “You disgust me! You’re a whore!”
Her reply? “Quit spending your time making stone spearheads and make me another 8-inch stone penis, you big dummy.” Adam felt castrated emotionally, but made the stone penis anyway, all the while rolling his eyes and muttering to himself about mood swings. He and Eve went on to get married and have about 6 and a half billion children. That’s us.
This makes perfect logical sense, right?
Alright, what am I really getting at here? I think it’s just that the discovery of the ancient decrepit dildo tells me that sexual pleasure is as old as time. It’s what life is all about. No, we’re not fucked up for wanting to feel sexual pleasure. It’s the thing that makes us human. It’s really friggin’ important. Without it, well, we’re just Neanderthals.
