Vibration Nation
2005

There’s a little zippity-do going on, day in and day out, that nobody seems to be bold enough to discuss. But it’s time I forced everyone out of the closet. Because right now, all over the planet, even as you read this, men and women, regular and upstanding citizens alike, are getting long-distance zips and zaps from loved ones, co-workers, and perfect strangers; most likely on their upper thighs. And in some small way, they’re enjoying it in ways that they’re not admitting. I think you all know what I’m tawking about.

Ah, to think that there was a time when using vibrators in public was pooh-poohed. How prudy we all once were! How Laura Ingalls of us! Now it’s as common as blowing your nose or sneezing. Who would’ve thought that cell phones, of all things, would make the impossible possible; would liberate us and excuse us of the taboo?

Welcome to vibration nation. Where it’s perfectly acceptable to reach out and vibrate someone, or be vibrated as it were, in public places of all types. Men and women, in business suits, evening gowns, tennis shorts and medical scrubs, from Senators to Cafeteria Workers can go about their everyday existences, be vibrated, vibrate others, and have the rest of the world be none the wiser. There are those of us who have our cell phones set to vibrate even when the ringer is on! And it’s all perfectly legitimate, dignified, and on the up and up. My, my, my, how far we’ve come as a civilization. Suddenly the phrase "I'll give you a buzz" has new meaning. (Vroom vroom.) Gotta love technological advances. Up with vibrators! A big round of applause for modern society! Onward into the 21st century, ho!

Ahhhhhh, freedom at last.

Now that we’ve broken through the secrecy, the innuendo, and the pursed-lip attitude, it’s time to really get down to it. Don’t let the slick cellular salesmen fool you. No other feature is more important on a cell phone. Ask them which model vibrates the best. Among women I know, the Nokia open-faced 3589i is a fave in terms of packing a wallop. A girlfriend of mine recently switched from a flip model that she paid gads of money for. She happened to be holding mine, a 3589i, one day when it started its vvv-vvv-vvv-ing. “This thing really packs heat!” she squealed. She ran right out the next day and bought one. She’s never looked back.

And the cell phone manufacturers could really go a lot further with this whole premise. Think of the attachments and paraphernalia that could be available for these things. (wink, wink.) I can just see the cell-phone commercials on late-night television:

He says: I’ll call you when I touch down in Cleveland, honey.

She says: Call me on my cell phone, baby. I’ll have it set to vibrate, and I’ll have my attachments in place.

He says: But will you answer the phone, or will you just let it ring, and ring, and ring, and ring like you usually do?

She grins.

The announcer with the deep voice would answer: Of course, women, you know you can always phone yourselves. Go ahead. Nighttime and weekend minutes are always free.

Heck, if anyone were to ask me, I would say we should introduce vibrating settings to more things in life. I want my computer chair to vibrate when I have incoming e-mails. I want my bicycle seat in spin class to vibrate when it's time to pick up the pace. Instead of sending me bills in the mail, my utility companies could kindly bzzz-bzzz me when the money is due. My oven could give me a little vvv-vvv when my pot roast is done. Dog dish empty? Time for Will and Grace? Time to wake up in the morning? The possibilities are endless. Sprinkle a little bit of pleasure wherever you need it most.

I heard recently that Gilette is introducing a new women’s shaver that vibrates. Anyone want to buy me a stocking stuffer? Anyone?

So let’s all stop denying what’s been going on for some time and admit to ourselves and the rest of the world, that the vibrational revolution has touched us . . . deeply. Spread your wings and fly, friends, off into a new era. Next time your cell phone vibrates you, let yourself go. Restraint is highly overrated.

4/3/2007
Wow,
On a recent trip to Florida, I passed on packing my vibrator, first reason, it isnt as quiet as when I first bought it, and since I was traveling with my boyfriend's mother, noise would be an issue, one I thought I could pass off if I announced,louldly after breakfast that I was now going to the bathroom to brush my teeth, with my Electric Tooth brush. But which hand would hold which.I couldnt return with plaque, and a smile. The other reason, space and the third, besides the x-rays and smiles, as my bag I imagined passed from hand to hand ending up god knows where.Mine has been known to go off all by itself. So this brings me to The Razor. the vibrating Pink Razor, all I have to say is money would have been better spent on the phone you recomend,
Naomi

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