I'M TOO UBER COOL FOR WORDS, BABY
Are you really? Really? You think so, ha? Take this quiz and find out if you’re truly cool, or, if you’re simply an insecure brainwashed lamo consumer who is buying just what Big Corporate Advertising Daddy has programmed you to buy in order to have the appearance of cool. (Careful, this quiz may blow your entire cover.)
1. You’re in the grocery store. You’re gonna buy a creamy frozen dessert. Which would you choose of these three choices?
a. Big half gallon supermarket brand ice cream that’s on sale
b. Pint of low-carb, sugar-free, and low fat variety that costs 10 times the store brand ice cream
c. Top of the line Haagan Daaz with all the calories and flavor, baby
2. At a cocktail party, a person you just met makes a hilarious reference about Marc Wilmington and his political views. You understand the joke, even though you have no friggin’ clue who Marc Wilmington is. As the other person cackles, throws their head back, and gives you a really great view of their nostrils, you contemplate your three choices:
a. Interrupt their laughter to ask who the hell Marc Wilmington is.
b. Laugh along for now, but ask who he is once the guffawing has died down.
c. Laugh riotously, and act like you’re in the know.
3. You’re at a traffic light. There’s a totally hot babe in the car to your right. There’s also a totally hot babe in the car to your left. The car to your right is a BMW 7 series. The car to your left is a Lexus IS300. Which one do you flirt with?
a. Duh, the one in the Beamer. Everybody knows the IS300 is a loser-mobile; if you’re gonna get a Lexus then why can’t you afford the SC430? The BMW 7 series is totally sexy and way classy.
b. I have no idea what either of those cars are and don’t care, and it certainly wouldn’t play into who I’d be attracted to. And for another thing, I don’t flirt at traffic lights.
c. Which babe looks more likely to know the square root of 27?
4. How do you pronounce the word “basil?”
a. With the “a” sounding as it does in the word “hag.”
b. With the “a” sounding as it does in the word “nasal.”
c. Basil? Is that the green stuff that speckles the sauce on my stuffed-crust pizza from Pizza Hut that I eat on Monday nights while chugging Pabst Blue Ribbon straight from the can?
5. What is your favorite swear word?
a. Go f*ck yourself. (or any derivation, including F*ck you, f*ck off, oh f*ck, f*ckhead, f*cker, or f*ckface.)
b. Merde
c. Kiss my grits
6. What kind of underwear do you wear?
a. cotton briefs or panties, or any type of boxer shorts for men. They’re tailored, clean and white for men or clean and streamlined for women. Tasteful, yet comfortable.
b. No undies, or g-strings only
c. Grandma or grandpa undies, may include rips, holes, or stains, but definitely involving FULL COVERAGE.
7. The typical everyday bottle of wine in your cabinet generally costs:
a. under $10
b. $10-25
c. under $5 for an entire jug, or maybe even wine in a box
8. An aquaintance shows up at your front door unannounced. You invite him or her inside, and realize you should offer something to eat. But the problem is, the only thing in your refrigerator is peanut butter, celery, and some raisins, and a tuna casserole left over from the night before. What do you do, besides panic?
a. Serve him or her the tuna casserole, and make ants on a log with peanut butter, celery, and raisins. Laugh together about the middle-American-ness of it.
b. Offer to take him or her out to a restaurant and pick up the tab.
c. There’s no way in hell I’d ever have a tuna casserole in my refrigerator. I’m way too cool.
Okay, time to score yourself.
Give yourself the appropriate score for each of your answers, add them together, and find out which category you fall into.
1. a: 1 point; b: 3 points; c: 2 points
2. a: 1 point; b: 2 points; c: 3 points
3. a: 3 points, b: 1 point; c: 2 points
4. a: 3 points, b: 2 points, c: 1 point
5. a: 2 points, b: 3 points, c: 1 point
6. a: 2 points, b: 3 points, c: 1 point
7. a: 2 points, b: 3 points, c: 1 point
8. a: 2 points, b: 1 point, c: 3 points
21-24 points: UBER PRETENTIOUS
Rest assured, you are amazing, super fine, haute, hot, and fantissimo. The only thing you’re not: genuinely cool. Sorry. You’re a fad follower, possibly living out your version of the Ralph Lauren lifestyle. You need to be deprogrammed. Take a jar of cheez whiz, some Ritz crackers, a good long look at some photos of yourself from middle school, and get back a little bit of perspective. Nobody is as fab as you, my friend. Not even you.
11-20 points: MID-RANGE NON-THREATENING PRETENTION LEVEL
Your ego and self awareness seem to be in complete check. Your b.s. levels are not a threat to society. You probably don’t get a lot of dirty looks, and I’m sure you always tip your waitress adequately and smile at strangers. You’re not afraid of gourmet coffee beans but would gladly drink a vat of hot McDonald’s variety if push came to shove. In short, you’re within the Bimbopolitics Acceptable Limits of Pretention (also known as the BALP factor).
8-10 points: FAB FIVE, HAVE WE GOT A PERFECT CANDIDATE FOR YOU!!
You can feel proud that you are not a pretentious person. You probably wear underwear until they are disintegrating, and wouldn’t be at all embarrassed to admit that in public. Food is food to you, and you don’t see any reason why things are labeled in foreign languages nowadays to make them look fancier. But you might want to think a little more about social graces and appearance. It’s okay to brush your teeth once in a while and rank underarm odor never got anyone anywhere. Don’t worry, you still wouldn’t be considered a snob if you changed your underwear every day. It might even get rid of that stubborn jock itch.
6/22/2006
this quiz is cool. being in the middle of someone who follows the trends and someone who comepletly dos his or her own thing is what i call a twinny and that is what i always thought of myself. your quiz just confirmed it for me.
2/13/2007
Wicked quiz!
love your new site!
¢¾!!!
xmx
