Sorry Baby, I Was Out of Range
2/1/06
Attention, liars, cheaters, fibbers, and sleaze balls!! Your cover may be about to be blown. Cell phone service is now available in South County. Everywhere. There’s no escape.
It’s happening all over the country. “Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?” It won’t be long before we can be heard EVERYWHERE. And cheating husbands are going to pay the price.
“I’m sorry honey, I couldn’t answer your call, I was out of range,” isn’t gonna cut it as an excuse much longer.
The old “I’m driving baby, and you’re breaking up” isn’t going to be a technologically feasible one either.
Short of putting a computer chip with a radar device in your husband’s jockey shorts and spending all day watching them bleep around town on a computer tracking system, the time has come when we pretty much will know where they are at all times. They are reachable by cell phone. Period. If they ain’t, then it’s probably because they’re off shtupping the secretary. Time to face facts.
Savvy women like me, though, had the “out of range” bullshit figured out a long time ago, though. As an aside, I should say to all men everywhere, women are generally on to all forms of your bullshit, wherever and whenever you’re selling it. But anyway, here’s the scoop on cell phones. When you dial someone’s cell phone number and it rings two and a half times then goes to the recorded message, then you know that the other person is genuinely out of range. When it rings five times then goes to the message, they just didn’t pick it up, in other words, they didn’t answer your call. They decided to dis you. When it goes directly to the message, you know that they’ve turned the phone off altogether. The venti dis. It ain’t rocket science.
I feel a little embarrassed that I’m so paranoid about all this. I’m sure you’re all judging me right now. Calling me crazed psychobitch or ball buster or whatever. I’m not. I’m just realistic. And I have good reason. I have been through one of those relationships that render one forever paranoid. I’ve been blind sighted, I’ve been half-truthed and bullshitted right around the block and back. Somehow I knew all along, too, and that’s what was so infuriating about it. I could see the lies coming right out of the side of his mouth and slapping me balls center in the middle of my dignity over and over again. So I developed several methods to seek out the truth. The cell phone ring technique came in handy on occasion.
At one point, living in Los Angeles, I became suspicious when my ex was consistently offering to walk the dogs in the morning. It was too nice of him, too . . . something. It didn’t wash. I suspected it had something to do with a particular woman, namely the love of his life who he never got over who he liked having altogether too much contact with. And I was right. He was going out in the morning to call her from his car phone. The car was parked at the curb outside the apartment building. I caught him in the act with the cell phone ring technique. Five rings later when I got his voice mail I knew. If the car had been parked and locked, voice mail would’ve come without any rings at all. He was on the phone. A few days later, the dummy actually answered the call waiting. “Having a nice walk with the dog?” I asked.
I think back to simpler times, like twenty years ago, and wonder how people ever cheated. Things must’ve been so much more difficult. No e-mail, no cell phones. It required the cheaters to be far more clever and devious. Took a lot more balls to arrange rendezvous without the safety and privacy of technology. What did cheaters do?
Who knows. I guess that’s why so many men did resort to shtupping the secretary. Or for that matter, the wives shtupping the milk man. Without cell phones or e-mail with which to plot their sordid little affairs, what else could they do?
2/7/2006
Perhaps it is normal to crave sexual variety and infidelity is not the end of the world. You could always become swingers and enjoy infidelity together...Just a cynical thought
2/8/2006
Swingers? Does that REALLY work for anyone? I mean REALLY????
Jacooz
2/8/2006
My god! Keeping up with ONE woman has proven to be more than I can handle...more than once!! And how any woman could put up with more than one of my gender at a time is beyond me.
Serial Monogomy...only answer. Sometimes a long run, sometimes the show closes after one night. The thing is... just one show at a freakin' time.
dlm
2/7/2006
is sgpigfarmer the culprit?
2/7/2006
So true. In a way though, wasn't life much simpler before such techno-gadgetry when he came home and 'fessed up with "I'm taking off with my secretary" and she with "I'm with his child"?
2/8/2006
If Scribby tries that stuff on you, I'll tell
E.
2/9/2006
Some men enjoy being treated like the dogs they are.
When I took my dogs in to get microchipped in case they ever get lost or stolen, I took my husband as well. And when I installed the electric fence, I ordered an extra collar for my hubby. When he wanders out of range, he gets a little zap.
ts
2/11/2006
Eugene O'Neill claimed it was the Iceman who cometh.
G Hyatt
2/19/2006
another validation for me having no cell phone, EZ pass or why i never pay at the pump - keep the suspicious at bay by not leaving tracks!!!
2/19/2006
That is so like you, dp. Not paying at the pump -- I bet you don't subscribe to those supermarket "member" cards either. Some corporate big wig knowing what dp is buying, down to the very last bag of organic vegan vegetarian kosher recyclable eco environmentally-sustainable beer nut? Never!
-Jacooz
3/6/2007
Do women use this bullsh*t too?
cause I don't think so.
