The Pesadic Cult of Fizzy Pleasure
4/18/06
It was the first night of Passover. A friend of mine had invited me to his house for a Seder. Well, I'll be honest -- he's more than just a friend. He's also my divorce lawyer. So it was kind of fitting that the very day my most recent bill from him came in the mail (choke, choke) I got to see him wearing his kittel, or his “burial shroud” as I repeatedly referred to it during the course of the night (this is traditional garb for the one who leads a Seder.) He and I laughed heartily about it. Ha. Ha.
All right, but this isn't the point of my story. The point, actually, stems from the fact that my friend also has this bizarre fetish for soft drinks. He does not drink coffee, tea, espresso, or any normal varieties of hot beverage like the rest of us. He prefers large quantities of Mountain Dew and Coca Cola. He's, like, from what I can see, addicted to the stuff.
So on went the Seder, which included many theatrics, a puppet show, throwing of rubber frogs and snakes and plastic golf balls at guests, and a multi-media presentation of a clip from “The Ten Commandments.” But most importantly, right before the meal was served, he very proudly placed two liter bottles of Coke on each table. He grinned.
“Do you know what these yellow caps mean?” he asked the crowd. We all nodded, shook our heads, and responded with various degrees of oblivion and/or indifference.
“They mean Kosher for Passover,” he proudly announced.
I kind of shrugged. I mean, duh. Everything at their house was Kosher for Passover. Even baby Isaac was eating off a high chair covered in aluminum foil. Every surface in the kitchen, for that matter, was covered with aluminum foil. These people did not take the concept of Kosher for Passover lightly. So why was he making such a grandiose presentation about the soda caps?
Well, little did I know that yellow-capped bottles of Coke are, to some people, serious business. I'm talking about hard-core Coke drinkers, or in other words, total Cokeheads. Forget Pesach. Forget Kashrut. Jewish and non-Jewish Cokeheads alike watch the shelves of supermarkets with great anticipation in the weeks preceding Passover for the yellow-capped bounty to appear.
What's the big deal, you ask? Here's the secret. Of the many grains and leavening products that are forbidden for observant Ashkenazi Jews to eat during Pesach, corn is one. Since the 80's, Coca Cola in this country has pretty much exclusively been sweetened with high fructose corn syrup. Although all Coke is kosher, corn syrup is obviously made from corn, so in other words regular Coke isn't kosher for Passover.
So during this Jewish holiday every year, in order to keep the observant chug-a-lugging, Coca Cola, sweetened with actual sugar, is available in limited quantities.
It's usually found in the kosher aisle, capped yellow and imprinted with Hebrew lettering and the Kosher for Passover OU-P symbol. Faithful Cokeheads who prefer the more classic taste of this sugary pre-80's formula are said to descend on the kosher aisles like vultures and stock up with dozens of bottles.
It seems ironic, however, that in the country where Coke was invented, such lengths have to be taken to get that classic taste. Because infuriatingly enough, in the rest of the world Coca Cola is still made using real sugar. In fact, in large U.S. cities, imported Coke has also developed quite a cult following. Cokeheads are said to raid little Mexican taco stands and markets that sell the Mexican variety, which by the way comes in vintage-style thick glass bottles. Other Cokeheads on-line talk of being able to find Caribbean-bottled and Ecuadorian formulated varieties at tiny specialty stores in such places as New York City. But, the Cokeheads suggest, this angers local bottlers.
Cokeheads on-line also have conspiracy theories. They say that the Coca Cola Corporation (among a long list of other beverage and food manufacturers) saves money by substituting corn syrup for highly taxed imported sugar -- further, that the release of New Coke in the 80's was a sinister and calculated plot to sneak corn syrup onto the sensitive palates of Americans. So the story goes, Coke released “New Coke,” with the intention that Americans would hate it and demand they bring back the original recipe. In the meantime, they say, the original recipe was changed - sugar to corn syrup. When the corn syrup “Classic” was released as the original recipe, Americans were supposedly so sick of the “New” junk that they accepted and mistook the newer new junk as the old junk itself.
Who knows if that's the way it went down -- I certainly don't have a clue. I do remember “New Coke” coming out when I was around 10 and feeling outraged and bewildered because I thought it tasted like like crap. The important thing, though, is that I'm a true believer that the Coke sweetened with real sugar tastes a heck of a lot better. It tastes cleaner, and doesn't leave that sickeningly sweet syrupy coating on the tongue and in the throat that I associate with drinking regular Coke. High fructose corn syrup has also been linked to both obesity and diabetes in the media. So I say, why not avoid it if possible?
I don't drink all that much Coke, but even I ran out and stocked up, to a small extent, on the yellow-capped stuff. What I don't understand is why Coke doesn't see this as a great marketing opportunity. Why not bottle a smaller amount of the Kosher for Passover variety all year round and call it something like “Original Blend,” charge 50% more per bottle and sell it to hard core Coke fans -- not to mention discerning suckers like me that would absolutely be willing to pay more.
Now that would totally be ironic. America, birthplace of the original formula of Coke, would be the one place on earth you'd have to pay through the nose to buy the original formula. But just do the taste test - you might just think it would be worth it.
4/20/2006
Way cool, Jacuzzi. I have to run out and nab a couple bottles. Pesach is over at sundown, I wonder if I'm too late.
Francine
4/26/2006
It would seem that the usually unaware American public has been duped once again. Coke can be added to the long list of American symbols that have been threatened, endangered, or altered. Everything from the Bald Eagle, to American Flags being worn as underware, to the daily attacks on the Constitution, to those "New and Improved" Campbell's soup tops. America is getting less quality all around. Let's get together and protest at the Coke factory! (oh wait, that's been moved to Mexico.) Let's learn Spanish (or press 2 on your touch tone phone) and Let's protest at the Coke factory!
Signed,
A North American Citizen
5/1/2006
It's hard to imagine any product shying away from the use of this drug that flows freely through America's veins. Sugar addicts are snorting this stuff in the restroom. Supersaturated bakery products are literally a dime a dozen. Coke eliminated the Cocaine ingredient years ago, it is only fitting that they eliminate this latest evil drug.
JayDee
5/1/2006
Soda with sugar is the health Anti-Christ! View Super size me" movie and avoid the stuff.
3/6/2007
now I didnt know you could snort sugar, hmmm
3/19/2007
Fascinating and juicy all at once.
