GUEST COLUMN: Is It NORMAL to Love a Younger Man?
by Bernice Lewis
7/5/06
Welcome to part two of the Bimbopolitics.com guest bimbo columnist series on May/December relationships. And in case you're wondering, as I know many of you are since I received many e-mails inquiring, yes, I will write my own take on the age difference issue at some point. But not until we hear from my friend, singer/songwriter Bernice Lewis about flipping the May/December equation upside down, as it were. And for more on Bernice's music and tours, visit her at www.bernicelewis.com .
“Normal's just a setting on the washing machine,” my friend Val once told me in her thick Texas drawl. I loved that line. In fact, I made it a lyric in one of my songs. Val is someone that I rely on for sage advice like that -- except in one case: she told me to stay away from younger men.
“They'll just steal your stereo and break your back,” she said. Well, sorry Val. I like younger men. Why wouldn't I? Why shouldn't I? It just so happens that I married one. And that was twenty years ago.
The general consensus in our society has always been that older men that manage to convince younger women to commit to them is perfectly “normal,” even considered a coup, while women who hook up with younger men are considered an anomaly. I say society has much to learn about the pragmatics of relationships, and of age, and what should be considered “normal.”
First of all, men do NOT have the market cornered on being attracted to tight abs and firm flesh. That's a fact. I mean, are women really supposed to feel inhibited about appreciating these qualities in a piece of meat, er, I mean a person?
On the purely physical level, older women paired up with younger men just makes sense. It's a well-known fact that women reach sexual maturity considerably later than men, like ten or fifteen years later. So in other words, people of the same age miss each other's raging hormonal tidal waves entirely. And younger women with older men? Well, that's just backwards.
I was recently discussing this matter with a friend of mine who just got married for the second time, to a man fourteen years her junior. Broaching the subject of her sex life initially made her break into a big grin accompanied by a raging blush. Then she hesitated for a split second and said “Well, of course, there's the obvious benefit.” She was talking about the S word. Stamina. She told me about how one night, she looked at the clock and realized that they'd been making love for over four hours. I'd say that qualifies as an equation that works.
But beyond sex, there are other benefits to having a younger, more physically fit other half. Not at all insignificant is the fact that my husband can lift and carry and doesn't tire as easily as I do. Not only do I take advantage of this in our day-to-day lives, but also it inspires me to take better care of myself and challenges me to keep up with him. When he climbs a mountain, I'm right there beside him. I look and feel younger than I am. In our circle of friends, most folks do not realize that there is an age difference between us at all.
But just in case you think I'm a shallow human being, I would like to add that it's not just the physical aspects that make being with a younger man a good choice. Right around the time I turned thirty, I started to notice that, while the men younger than me might not be as “mature,” they seemed innately less sexist. It was easier to talk with them about my dreams and ideas. They seemed less threatened by me than the men my age or older. They are more willing to dream and adventure.
And I've never been comfortable with the whole notion that women in this society are supposed to want a protector, a sugar daddy. I like being able to take care of myself, but I also don't want to be alone. I've never been comfortable with acting or feeling helpless. In fact, the challenges my husband and I face as a couple in terms of our age difference have mostly to do with combating the stereotypical notions that society ingrained in us growing up. For example, like many men, my husband doesn't like to be told things…he likes to know them. He wants to be the gallant knight in shining armor, the rescuer, and the wage earner. It takes a brave soul to be the younger man. From the start, our culture and his own father, who by today's standards would be considered dyed-in-the-wool sexist, primed and expected him to one day be the elder, more experienced one. Being married to an older woman levels the playing field and takes that opportunity away. It forces him to meet me as an equal. I can never truly be “his little woman.”
As well, we can't kid ourselves into believing that, as the man of the house, he's smarter or wiser. Unlike many of my other married friends, I am the one who handles finances, investments, and taxes -- in addition to making many of the decisions about childcare, food, etc. It sometimes does feel burdensome and then I wonder what it would be like to be married to someone older than me…would I feel more protected and coddled? But the real question is…would I like it? It's unlikely.
So I am instead destined to be classified as older woman; cradle robber; and misunderstood spouse. The realities of these monikers include the fact that I lost my virginity while he was still in elementary school, and graduated from college before he even started high school. I recently entered my fifth decade, leaving him behind yet again. I am the trailblazer in our relationship. Every milestone I celebrate, I need to explain to him.
I know he's had to put his ego aside more often than he'd like. It's hard for him when I'm right -- and I'm right fairly frequently. I also know that I'm a lucky woman. Just last night, I cleaned up the kitchen, wiped the kid slobber from my face, put on a mini skirt and a pair of heels and went out in public with my younger man. As we headed out the door, he took me by the arm and said, “Wow, you look hot!”
And that means a lot, coming from a younger man.
7/5/2006
As John Lennon sang: "Whatever gets you through the night is alright!" Age is just a number and some young guys are mature and some old guys are not. Men generally die at a younger age than women so having a younger one makes sense from that perspective. The downside is that a younger guy may be attracted to a younger girl down the road, if the older woman loses interest in sex or active lifestyle.
7/10/2006
Great story and great insight to the role men want to play. I am married and in a May/May (or M & M) relationship. Since me and my husband are about the same age we have the same amount of experience. You write, "we can't kid ourselves into believing that, as the man of the house, he's smarter or wiser." I think everyone is really smart at some things and really dumb at others. I also handle the finances and day to day decisions. I don't think your relationship sounds that different from the one I have. You write, "It's hard for him when I'm right -- and I'm right fairly frequently." Sounds like a song most women would sing to!
tba
